


A Functioning Cog

by Gir_Hugs



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2017-12-16 12:06:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/861834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gir_Hugs/pseuds/Gir_Hugs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three-part character study inspired by the song 'Helplessness Blues' by Fleet Foxes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Special Little Boy

**Author's Note:**

> A three-part character study looking at three periods of Tony's life: childhood, becoming Iron Man, and post-Avengers/IM3. It is based on the song 'Helplessness Blues' by Fleet Foxes.

* * *

 

 

Even at a young age, Tony knows that he is unique… _special_. 

 

His father tells him he is a _Stark_.  And being a Stark means that greatness is _expected_ of him.  But Tony soon learns that it isn’t possible to make his father proud.  No matter how intelligent and charming and _special_ Tony makes himself, he can never live up to the Stark Standard.

 

His mother, in those rare sober moments of hers, will pull him into her arms and whisper about how he is her ‘special little boy.’   But then she goes back to her drinks and her pills and Tony wonders why he isn’t special _enough_ to keep her there with him, clean and lucid.

 

Jarvis, his parental-substitute, tries to ease Howard’s rejections by telling Tony that his father just doesn't know how to cope with such a unique and special child.  And though Tony knows Jarvis means well, is just trying to make him happy, he can’t help the way his stomach churns in disgust at those words.

 

His uniqueness isn’t enough to earn his parents’ love, but it is enough to win everyone else’s scorn.

 

Teachers criticize his ‘arrogant intelligence.’  Peers sneer at the ‘freak.’  The media, in that rabid and shallow way it does, alternately praise or berate the ‘Stark prodigy.’

 

While many people strive to be unique, prize their individuality above all else, they forget that the commonalities are how connections are made.  The fact that Tony is so unique just means that he is also very much _alone_.  No one can – or wants to – connect with such a ‘special little boy.’

 

So yes, Tony Stark learns very early on just how special he is…he also learns to _hate_ that little fact.  He doesn't want to be unique; he wants to _belong_ – to someone or something, it doesn’t matter. 

 

Tony just wants to be a part of something.


	2. Still Searching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony Stark is still searching for his purpose in life.

Being captured and held hostage is a…revelation.

 

When Tony’s eyes register the ‘Stark Industries’ label plastered across boxes upon boxes of weapons and ammunition, a shock goes through his system.  He feels as if he’s just been plunged into icy, cold water – and oh, how intimately familiar he’ll become with that feeling over the few next weeks – because he had thought, stupidly, that he’d been helping the world. 

 

He hadn’t been lying to that reporter; he’s proud of his accomplishments as the head of SI.  There’s a good and bad side to everything.  War is almost a constant state of being for humans and if Tony can help make sure a few more American soldiers – a few more _Rhodeys_ – make it back safe and sound, then Tony is okay with having blood on his hands. 

 

…Or at least, he thought he was, back when he thought he knew _whose_ blood it was on his hands.

 

Now…

 

Seeing those weapons – _his_ weapons – in the hands of the _enemy_ , it makes him feel sick.  His life’s work has just been made into one gigantic, mindfuck of a joke and Tony gets set adrift.  His purpose – his something bigger – just turned out to be a huge fucking _lie_ and he doesn’t know what to do.  At first, he’s too shell-shocked to do anything except antagonize and refuse his captors.  But then…

 

If Tony had been alone, he may have just given up, not in, _never_ in.  But it isn’t him – he’s too _special_ – that they threaten to kill.  It’s Yinsen.  And suddenly Tony has a new purpose. 

 

Keep Yinsen alive. 

 

It’s a small, but vastly important, goal and it’s what lets Tony keep his sanity as he works on their escape.  He ignores the fucking ache in his chest, the wheezing rasp of his lungs, and he _works_.  And after weeks of stale meals, dirty water, and sleepless nights, it’s done.

 

The suit is ready but the timing of their escape gets completely thrown off and everything is totally FUBAR and Tony fails.

 

He _fails_ and Yinsen _dies_. 

 

And the only reason Tony even survives, the only reason he doesn’t just let the Afghani desert consume his body, is because he has mistakes to atone for.  Those were his weapons in the hands of the enemy and that makes it _his_ responsibility to stop them. 

 

So he makes it home and he eats his cheeseburger and he stops weapons production at SI and he begins anew.  He builds a new suit and he goes out and atones.

 

He’s finally feeling alive again, feels like he’s finally doing something _good_ …

 

And then Obie goes and rips out his heart.

 

His mentor, his supposed friend, rips out his heart and tells him that all he’s worth is a few good ideas.  The Arc Reactor just happens to be the last good idea that Tony –his _special_ , golden goose – has to offer.

 

And once more, Tony finds himself in a position to give up but he _can’t_.  Because of Pepper…

 

Keep Pepper Alive.

 

Another goal, another purpose, and this time Tony _refuses_ to fail. 

 

Thank the god he doesn’t believe in, he succeeds.  He kills Obie – because he’s come to accept that his hands are forever going to be stained red – and saves Pepper.

 

There’s a good and bad side to everything, and the suit can help tip the scale in favor of the good…so Iron Man has a purpose.

 

…Tony Stark is still trying to find his. 


	3. Something More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn’t need the arc reactor to prove to others that _he is Iron Man_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. It's actually been sitting on my desktop for a while but I was having a hard time getting motivated to edit it. But huge thanks to Red (and other peeps at BB) for helping out.

_Big man in a suit of armor.  Take that away and what are you?_

 

A special, little boy grown up into a special (genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist) man. 

 

But being Iron Man is what truly makes him special.  The reason he so adamantly proclaims that _he is Iron Man_ …the reason he can’t let himself be separated from the suit…well, it’s because if you take Iron Man away from him, then you take away everything that makes him worth anything.

 

And identifying himself with a cold, metal suit of armor might not be the best way to live – if you can call it living at all – but it works.  It’s _enough_.  Being Iron Man is a good enough cause to keep going.

 

Until New York…

 

Because what the hell is a suit of armor against Gods of legends and a savage race of aliens? 

 

Not much.  (Because let’s face it, the only reason they even won that battle is because of dumb luck and a nuclear weapon.)

 

And if Iron Man is so insignificant in the face of these new and terrifying things, then what the hell is _Tony_?

 

Less than nothing, apparently.

 

So, once the dust settles over New York, Tony is understandably freaked out, okay?

 

It’s not the Chitauri or Loki or any of the things they’ve already faced that they should be scared of.  It’s the knowledge that while they might not know _what_ is out there, there is _something_ out there capable of destroying humanity.  There are unknowns, lurking in the black darkness of space, with weapons and abilities that Tony and SHIELD and even Thor won’t know how to fight. 

 

Tony doesn’t know how to fight a faceless enemy.

 

So he ends up doing the only thing he _can_ do.  Because, sure, before resorting to nuclear devastation, Iron Man might not have made much more than a dent against the Chitauri, but fuck if Tony’s just going to sit around and do nothing.  No, what Tony does is Tony bury himself in his workshop and build and build and build. 

 

He creates better suits, more _destructive_ suits.   And, yeah, most days he feels like it’s a pointless endeavor – trying to prepare for a fight against an unknown enemy – but he doesn’t know what else to do.  So he just keeps up his routine. 

 

He rarely eats and builds and occasionally showers and builds and barely sleeps and builds and scares Pepper –he almost _hurts_ Pep – and builds.  And he’s on a downward spiral that he doesn’t know how to save himself from and just when he thinks he is too far-gone because _fuck, he almost hurt Pep_ …that’s when the Mandarin shows up.

 

And yeah, everyone else might be terrified of this guy, but he’s kind of Tony’s saving grace. Because when Tony gets the news that Happy was almost killed…it’s the first time in so long that he has felt something other than utter hopelessness.  And Tony gladly welcomes the furious rage coursing through him and the vicious glee at finally, _finally_ having an enemy with a name and a face.  The Mandarin is nothing but a terrorist and Tony has faced and beaten so many men like him.

 

Tony’s over-confidence always has been his greatest downfall.

 

Because the next thing he knows his home is being blown to pieces and he’s watching his friends sink to the bottom of the ocean and Pepper is in danger because of _him_.  And he will forever be thankful that she makes it out okay because he doesn’t know what he would do without her.  But her survival doesn’t take away from the fact that she was in danger in the first place just because he was stupid enough to invite an attack.

 

So he manages to escape, but his suit is all fucked up and that hopelessness is starting to creep back in at the edge of his awareness.  Because…because…

 

_Big man in a suit of armor.  Take that away and what are you?_

 

…Tony honestly doesn’t know anymore.

 

But feeling sorry for himself…that’s not an _option_.  He brought this fight upon himself and he refuses to let the Mandarin win.  It’s time to prove to everyone – but mostly to himself – just what Tony Stark is capable of. 

 

So he fights off those glowing bomb-people and saves the kid – don’t let the kid tell you differently – and he breaks into the Mandarin’s compound and…learns this guy is _just_ a face, a fake, not the _real_ Mandarin.

 

And fuck…what is he supposed to do with that?  Tony thought he _knew_ what he was dealing with.  Thought he knew the face of the man he was going to stop.  But that was all a lie.  And now he feels like he’s stumbling around in the dark, firing at shadows and enemies unknown.

 

And then Tony is captured and Killian reveals that he is behind all of this and Tony has a brief moment of relief at the fact that at least the Mandarin really is just a _man_.  But then Killian shows him Pepper, shows her being injected with Extremis and Tony can’t even feel sad about Maya being killed because she’s the one that took Pep. 

 

Every second that ticks away is just another second where Pepper is in danger.  And he’s frantic and panicked and desperate.  And all he can think about is that all-important goal he set for himself years ago when facing off against Obie – _keep Pepper alive._

 

And when he finally gets free, he is so grateful to see Rhodey.  Because Tony Stark might hate asking for or even needing anyone’s help, but fuck if it isn’t good to see his best friend.  So they go to save Pepper and to save the President and to stop Killian, but mostly just to _save Pepper_.

 

The Mandarin might not have been the reason Tony built all those suits but he definitely doesn’t regret that he has them.  He trusts JARVIS and Rhodey to handle everything else while he focuses on saving Pepper, _can’t_ focus on anything else.   And Killian might want him dead so that he can take Pepper, but Tony refuses to let that happen.

 

And just when Tony thinks he’s got her, just when he’s reaching out to pull her – safe and alive – into his arms, she falls.  She falls and he just stares down into the raging fire where she disappeared.  And he can’t accept that she’s gone.  Gone.  _She’s gone!_

 

He feels like he’s drifting. 

 

And his mind just devolves into a swirling mess of dark blankness.  He doesn’t know what to do.  Because Pep…Pepper…

 

Is _alive_. 

 

God, he will _never_ again experience a moment of such profound relief and happiness as he does when Pepper comes back.  And like the total goddess she is, Pepper destroys one of his suits and kills Killian.  And Tony just wraps her in his arms and revels in the _not gone, alive, not gone_ and he offers her the only thing he can – the only thing she’s ever wanted – himself.  No more hiding behind the suits.  In that moment, with her, _he’s just Tony_.

 

And, for once in his life, he finally feels like being Tony is a good thing.

 

And maybe he should be a little sad as he watches all his suits explode into pieces, but all he feels is content.  Because Pepper is okay and Tony didn’t lose her and he managed to accomplish quite a lot without a suit.  Pepper never thought the suit was necessary for Tony to be a good man, a worthy man.  And Tony has always believed that Pepper knows best.

 

So him and Pep go about cleaning up the mess left behind in the wake of the Mandarin.  And Tony faces his fear and has the surgery to remove the shrapnel surrounding his heart.  Proves to himself that he doesn’t _need_ the arc reactor anymore.  He doesn’t need the arc reactor to prove to others that _he is Iron Man_.  Because being Iron Man…

 

Well, that’s something more than just wearing a suit of armor.


End file.
